my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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