My friends, they love my intelligence
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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