ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
