There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Randomize