I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
even my farts smell like vagina
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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