A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize