My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize