Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
