this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Randomize
