i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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