apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
