There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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