Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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