If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
