Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
