So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
