get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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