Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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