I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
