last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
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