How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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