Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
