Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
