I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
there's paper in my vomit.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
You need Xanax blowdarts
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
