he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
