if i can run in heels then i can drive
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
