I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
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