I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
