Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
