I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize