i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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