great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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