my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
