I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I wish they made helmets for livers.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
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