My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Randomize
