The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Randomize
