my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
