Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Randomize
