True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
high people should be assigned attendants
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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