my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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