I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
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