Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Randomize
