His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
