This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
