I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
