she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
