My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
