Tell her she can't have a vagina
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
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