i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
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