I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
