If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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