I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize