Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
