You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
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