Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
