she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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