I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
It was like getting head from an anaconda
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
