In the future we'll all be gay
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize