Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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